Some background information. My brother in law (who, at this point, I don’t think is dead to me…I’m not sure. I need to keep some sort of file on that) posted this article on our family site:
“…the reality of Down syndrome is positive for the vast majority of parents, siblings and people with Down syndrome themselves
Among 2,044 parents or guardians surveyed, 79 percent reported their outlook on life was more positive because of their child with Down syndrome
Skotko also found that among siblings ages 12 and older, 97 percent expressed feelings of pride about their brother or sister with Down syndrome and 88 percent were convinced they were better people because of their sibling with Down syndrome. A third study evaluating how adults with Down syndrome felt about themselves reports 99 percent responded they were happy with their lives, 97 percent liked who they are, and 96 percent liked how they looked. “
The article then goes on to talk about the new blood test that can tell you whether or not your child has Down syndrome that will be out in a few months. No longer are women going to have to do an invasive amniocentesis to get these results. The fear of miscarrying a “normal” baby because of the test to see if it does have Down syndrome is now gone. A blood test. At this point, studies show that up to 85% (this statistic was edited in 2012- the number varies from 50% to 85% in recent studies) of women who do find out that their baby has Down syndrome prenatally choose to abort. I wonder how many more will now abort because they will find out for sure from a blood test, rather than chance it with an amnio.
I’m not here to talk about the right to life, the legality. Currently, women in our country have the freedom to choose whether or not they want to terminate their pregnancies up to a certain, albeit very late, point in their pregnancy. Since Roe v. Wade, no Pro-life president, congress, etc has been able stop this from happening. I’m not going to try to convince anyone about the legality of abortion either way. For now it’s a choice.
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| www.maggab.blogspot.com |
I want to talk about that choice. Aborting a child because he or she has Down syndrome is the WRONG CHOICE. Believe me, I’ve heard every argument under the sun as to why it should be “okay” for women to make this choice. Why, even, we should mourn with them over the “loss” of their child. They did not lose their child. They chose. I’m sick of people treating this issue like it’s not black or white. It is. That baby that you carried did not have a disease or another physical or chromosomal abnormality that was incompatible with life. And a good life at that. Look at the statistics! Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard (also why I’ve decided to stay off debate forums):
{Not every parent is equipped to have a child with special needs. Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean everyone can.}
If you had asked me 7 years ago if I would be able to handle ONE child with special needs, I don’t know if I would have said yes. I now have two children with special needs. I wasn’t the person I am now going into this. I wasn’t given these kids because I was strong, patient or even willing. I was given these children to make me strong, patient and willing. I’m not there yet. If someone like me, someone who is scatter-brained and inherently selfish, can do okay raising two kids with special needs, you can do it with one.
What would happen if your child was diagnosed later with autism? Would you be able to handle it then? In MY (and this is only my experience, I do not speak for anyone else on this) autism is MUCH, MUCH harder. Thank heavens there isn’t a genetic test for that. Your chances of having a child diagnosed with autism are six times greater than having one diagnosed with Down syndrome.
{I don’t want my child to suffer}
This one probably chaps me the most. My child does not suffer from Down syndrome. Again, the statistic from above: ” A third study evaluating how adults with Down syndrome felt about themselves reports 99 percent responded they were happy with their lives, 97 percent liked who they are, and 96 percent liked how they looked.” How many people WITHOUT Down syndrome would say that they were happy with their lives, liked who they are and how they looked? Not as many as these kids! Sure, Abby has health issues. But most of the time, she’s fine. And even when she’s sick, she’s happy. Case in point:
This was in the emergency room at Marybridge Hospital in Tacoma, Washington. She hadn’t slept and she couldn’t eat because of her breathing. You could hear the rattle from her airways from down the hall. But does she look like she’s suffering?
And if you don’t want your kids to suffer, you shouldn’t have kids. Period. Every kid is going to get sick. Maybe not hospital sick, but they’re going to get sick. They’re going to have sadness. They’re going to experience loss. This is the nature of life. Not of disability.
{ It’s the nature of existence, we want close to perfection. Animals will toss aside offspring that have deformities, it helps species survive}
This statement (and it really did come from a human being) should make you taste bile. Becoming a parent is not dependent upon having a perfect child! We, as a society, need to get this out of our heads. Becoming a parent means that we are GIVING LIFE to a child. Taking that child and helping them to do the best they can in whatever sphere that might be.
Because that’s what life is about, right? Doing the best with what we are given. What is our goal as a parent? Is it to have a child that is happy? This is what I’ve learned with Casey and am learning with Abby. I mourned the loss of MY intended vision for Casey’s life. I was sad that it wouldn’t be the way that I had planned. But this IS NOT ABOUT ME. It’s about Casey. It’s about Abby. It’s about them having a happy, successful life. About them being the best that THEY can be.
If you’re having a child to fill a personal need outside from bringing a child into this world so that THEY can have a happy, successful life, you may need re-evaluate your motives. This is not about you. If you just can’t wait to brag to your friends all of the things your child has accomplished instead of whether or not they are happy and fulfilled and doing their best, you need to reassess your values. Again, having a child is not about you.
We are not animals. We do not need to kill off our imperfect offspring in order to further the species.
{I heard about a women who was walking out of a grocery store with her daughter who has Down syndrome. Another lady stopped her and asked her why she chose to keep a baby that was only a drain on society. That SHE should not have to pay more taxes because this mother chose to keep her ‘defect’ of a baby.}
I don’t know what I would have done if I were this mother. I probably would have ended up in jail with an assault charge. Or worse. It brings to mind another individual that sought to eradicate a group of people because he thought that these people had no worth. Who was that man? What did he believe?
Down syndrome to some is something that should be eradicated. That some people would be more than happy to see go away. Not because {all} of these people are evil Nazis. They just don’t know. They are misguided in their beliefs that life would suck if they had a child with Down syndrome. For everyone. They are wrong and need to know that having a child with Down syndrome makes life sweeter for EVERYONE. I have the numbers to prove it. Having a child with, a sibling with, or even having Down syndrome yourself is a BLESSING. It makes life richer. I am a lucky mom to have Abby. Abby is my happy.
I know because of the demographic of the readers of this blog, I’m preaching to the choir. But I want more. To me, that’s what Down syndrome Awareness Month is REALLY about. It’s not just about raising money for services that help those with Down syndrome, it’s about telling that 90% of women who would choose to abort to think a little bit harder about it. To show people that having a child with Down syndrome makes life BETTER. To show them that they are wrong in thinking anything else but this.
It’s what I want this blog to be about. To show people that life goes on after having a child diagnosed with a disability. And then another. That you don’t have to be rich, fully sane, or completely devoid of bad habits to have children with special needs. That it’s hard, but that it’s so good. That if you let this life have a chance, you’ll be blessed, and everyone around you will be blessed, too. That you’ll become a better, stronger, (faster?) person than you ever thought you could be. I’m not here to say that it’s easy. That’s why I tell the truth about the good and the bad days we have with Down syndrome (and autism). But I hope you can see that I love my life so much. That I’m grateful for these gifts I have been given. It’s like the old man in the wheelchair said to me a couple of Sundays ago:
“Children with Down syndrome are a gift. Don’t let nobody tell you otherwise”
If you are someone struggling with the decision as to whether or not to terminate your pregnancy because of a Down syndrome diagnosis, I pray that you will remember these statistics. Also know that there are MANY MANY families out there waiting to adopt a baby WITH Down syndrome. There are waiting lists for this! I didn’t plan on having a child with Down syndrome, but if the opportunity came up again to have another with Down syndrome, knowing everything I know, having gone through everything that we have, I’d do it again. In a heartbeat. In fact, I know a bunch of parents of children with Down syndrome who have adopted or hope to adopt another in the future. It’s because children with Down syndrome bring such happiness and such love to your life that you want more of it. These kids make life HAPPY. I promise. You are lucky to have been chosen to have this kind of joy in your life.
This is hard for me to ask. Even harder than asking for money. But for this Down Syndrome Awareness Month, will you please share my blog? Will you please tell people about Abby and about how happy she makes you? What it’s like to hold her? How you feel when you see pictures or videos with her in them? I don’t make money off this blog (doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to…but I’m just saying…) so your sharing my blog doesn’t do anything for me besides make me happy. And it shares our story of JOY (and sorrow, and anger, and crafts) with others. To the right is a blog button. You can copy and paste the text into your “html” gadget box. If you need instructions on this, please let me know. Thanks and kisses from Abby:
(Edited to add: I am in no way shape or form implying that those who get this diagnosis, whether during the pregnancy, or at birth like we did, is selfish in being sad about it. It’s hard to adjust what you had hoped for your child, the things that you were excited for, etc, to what will be. Grief is a part of the process. I just wanted those who were thinking of aborting such a baby because of these reasons to know that what you will have will be better than what you had planned. And if you cannot handle it, that’s fine. Let someone else who really wants this opportunity to have your child. Just don’t extinguish the light that comes with these kids. The world would be a very dark place without it.)
favorite post. ever.
Great post, Lexi. Sadly (because of course you really are preaching to the choir in my case) the lasting impression for me is that your final video here (inadvertently, I hope) makes Abby a poster child for divorce.
Lexi, thanks so much for posting this. I have often thought that no one can truly know me until they have met my sister, Keeli. And she's the reason our family feels joy.
Wow. This might be my favorite post EVER about DS. You are so right – it's not about us – it's about our kids (however many chromosomes they have) being happy. You have a new follower! Thank you for this awesome post!
I am not a cryer but I have tears ready to come out. The selfishness of people who would take the life of their preborn children…I hope and pray there is not autism gene found or test to diagnose it.
Because of Abby and her family I would be the first to sign up to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome, not being able to have any more of my own. Lexi, quit making me cry.
Thank you for showing us how blessed you are. You have made us think about our biases and rethink about what really matters in life.
Beautiful! Your post and daughter are just perfect! I hope that it reaches many people who may be struggling with a choice.
AMEN!! I have two siblings with downs. Words cannot describe the joy and happiness they bring.
Can you add the little magical buttons from blogger that allow me to tweet, FB, etc. straight from this post? I'm sharing anyway, but thise make it easier.
I love this post! I work in a group home with 3 developmentally delayed adults, 2 of them with Down Syndrome. One is 57, the other 6o. Those 2 ladies are quite possibly my most favorite people on the planet…including my husband and kids part of the time. They bring joy to my days, even when I'm not working.In the other home I work in, there are 2 DD adults, one is a 68 year old man who is autistic. Working with him is a struggle but very rewarding.I am not comparing my 38 hours a week with these people to you who gets to raise your children, but I want you to know that because of my experience I have great respect for you.
AMEN!!!! I have been ranting about this to anyone who will listen…not that it makes much difference when I'm ranting to Reagan's Grammy who runs a horse therapy ranch
But still that 90% number is insane! And people who want to get rid of our babies are like Hitler!
Stacey- your wish is my command! Thank you all for your nice comments. Abby is such a blessing. WE are the lucky ones.
Hi Lexie!I don't know you. My sis-in-law directed me to this post. My family had the wonderful opportunity to take care of a sweet 7-year-old with Downs Syndrome this weekend while her mom was in the hospital. Let me tell you, it brought us HAPPY. I saw my two sometimes selfish teens turn into caring loving angels around this sweet little girl.I had the privilege as a teen to work in home health care. I took care of a little boy with cerebral palsy, a little girl with autism and adults with varying degrees of disabilities. This experience made me a stronger, happier, more compassionate person. After watching my kids with our angel visitor, I wish they had that experience too. Every one of us are temporarily able. Everyone of our kids could have an accident or illness that leaves them incapacitated. And some of the healthiest, strongest kids have the worst problems and create the biggest drain on society. I will share this on my blog and facebook. People with Downs are so precious. I salute you for what you're doing to raise you sweet girls. I have only an inkling how hard it is and how wonderful.Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing! You have the most precious little girl! I do not have a child with DS, rather a different genetic disorder (hemophilia). It makes me cringe inside when people tell me and my husband how strong we are, how they could never do it, etc. because it's not as if we volunteered for this but he is our child and you don't know what you're capable of until you have no other choice. Sadly I know women who have aborted because of the hemophilia mutation. My son has a good life and he brings us incredible joy. There is no way to prepare for or protect your children for life, only do the best you can.Again, thank you! Your post was wonderful!
Great post .. You mentioned Mary Bridge. We must be neighbors.Shawndalitergy@hotmail.com
AMEN SISTER!! It broke my heart the first time I saw the statistics on termination with diagnosis of Down syndrome. We would look at our little guy and say "How can ANYONE say that he shouldn't be here!!" My husband wanted to make everyone meet Terry before they aborted their baby with Down syndrome. He said it wouldn't happen if they met him. That was 4 years ago. It's more true now than it was then. At that time I made this video. I hope you will enjoy and share!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk-BneWnaNABrandee
Perfectly said and I agree 100%. My son makes MY life great.
Awesome!
I am absolutely mesmerized by her photos. She is so beautiful. <3 Thank you for a touching post.
Love this!! My son is the sunshine to my day! I wish people would see that rather than make assumptions!
I couldn't agree more! My son does not have down syndrome but during my pregnancy they thought he was a trisomy 13 or 18 which are not compatible with life…but something told me my baby would make it! He had a purpose & God would see he served his purpose! He was born with covered bladder extrophy, hydrocephalus, a tethered spinal cord, & inperferit anus in 2010. He just recently went through a major surgery to correct most of his deformities as best they could. What makes me so proud to be his momma is the fact that he woke up from the anesthesia smiling…yes I said smiling!!! 13 & a half hours in surgery & he woke up smiling!! God truly blessed me with this boy & has made me even more grateful for the gift of life!!
he has an external fixater on right now & it can't be hidden…in every other way he looks "normal"…which to me would be the hardest part of down syndrome. I don't know how parents of down syndrome babies don't wind up in jail more often I would beat the daylight out of someone if they made fun of my child or stared or said ugly things about him! God bless you all for being the great parents you are, I commend you!! 
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing with passion and grace what is so intimately yours to share.
Brilliant. As the very proud mom of a beautiful daughter whom happens to have Ds, I couldn't agree more. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Amen!!!! What a great post…and my little girl makes my life awesome!!!!
SHARED! Love you to the sun, sis.
Thank you Missy, I loved that you shared this and now I have read it and will share it as well.
I have kept your blog page open all day so I could keep looking at the picture of Abby in the hospital. She is just so cute and precious. Made my day, and my husband's day. I also posted a link to your post on my blog (http://liftlist.blogspot.com/), Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn . . . I hope it gets a lot of mileage.
Lexi,Your my Mom inspiration. As you raise your wonderful family with a smile and a "that's the way we roll" attitude I can't help but be inspired. As an older pregnant mom my risk of having a Down Syndrome child is high, however I would not make a decision to take the life of a child with or without challenges. You are a wonderful mom and friend. Both Abby and Casey have touched my family in in unbeleivable ways. Thank you for sharing your familiy with us. Kelli
I tried to email you directly but I can't for some reason. Can you post your email address? I have a child with autism, I often thought oh man I wish it were down syndrome. I felt bad thinking that, I thought how dare I compare, how do I know if it's easier or not. You bring some great light to it as you have one of each. I just want to know more! or if you could email me bradrox@shaw.ca that would be great!
um…yeah…you have the cutest baby ever.And I love your post. sharing.
Abby is soooo BEAUTIFUL!!! She has the most incredible smile!! I just want to give her big moochies on her sweet little cheeks!!! BTW, my neighbor has a little girl with downs syndrome and she has more personality & charisma than you can imagine. She loves to give eskimo kisses. Although when my husband is around her…everyone else is chopped liver. Gotta love that personality!!!
i love your post! i have a daughter who is 5 & has DS. i was 21 when i found out & i didnt think that i could have a special needs child that young. i have to say though, some people are so close minded & if i was that mother, i would agree w.you, i prolly would of ended up in jail! the nerve of some people. but i have to say, everyone i come across, they love my daughter. she is so outgoing & energetic & happy (most of the time) lol. but i have been through so much w.her. she has come along way. i would have 10 kids just like her! i have another daughter who is 19months old and is "normal". i have to laugh at them because they both teach each other. but when i was reading your post & i saw the pic of your daughter, i already was in love w.her lol..she has the cutest smile & you can tell she is a very happy little girl! i have to agree w.you about being sick & acting happy..my daughter had a sleep apnea test & even w.all the tabs all over her & having a little cold, she was a trooper. same thing when she had open heart surgery, she was trying to touch her toes & roll over just ONE DAY after surgery lol..she is an amazing little girl & im sure your abby is too!! i am very proud to have a child w.down syndrome. i wouldnt have it any other way
Great Post! Abby is adorable! I have a sister that has Down Syndrome and she is such a special spirit and so much fun! I would love to adopt a child with Down Syndrome in the future, they are such happy and sweet people!
She's beautiful. You should send this to Ellen…perhaps she would help further the cause and donate to some charity in Abby's behalf.
Thanks Lexi,You are truly amazing. I've thought that since you watched my son while I was in the hospital with my 4th pregnancy. I keep coming back to look at Abby's smiling face. You are incredible.
Brandee- that video gave me goosebumps all over! It was so beautiful. Terry is DARLING. We are lucky parents.Thank you again for your comments. I'm SO HAPPY to have met so many other parents/siblings/caretakers who are as in love with these kids, and others with special needs as well. We'll show that 90% that life is better with these kids. We WILL! Even if just one rethinks their decision…what a wonderful thing that would be. my email is mostlytruestuff@gmail.com. There's a link above to it as well, but it might not work with certain browsers. You guys ROCK.
Just found your blog. Amazing. Thank you for sharing.
I am nearly 15 weeks pregnant and almost 29 years old. We have been trying for nearly 3 years to get, and keep, pregnant. When we went in for an ultrasound at 10 weeks, they gave me" genetic counseling" and told me what all of my testing options were. I told them I would do the Nuchal Scan because it gave me one more shot to look at this precious bean. I would not do any other tests because this little life is the most precious gift! If he or she has Down Syndrome, then I will go right out and start volunteering for Special Olympics! It doesn't change a darn thing! Your baby is absolutely adorable and lovable and all I could think when I looked at her pics were, "what a blessing she must be!" God bless you and I WILL share this blog!
Beautiful post! My son doesn't have DS he had a stroke when he was two. So many people tell us all the time we are so amazing for taking care of him and it drives me nuts. What was I supposed to do? Leave him in the hospital because all of a sudden he couldn't walk, talk or eat anymore? He has several friends with DS at school and I love each and every one of them because they love him and he loves them. We feel privileged that he can have the opportunity to meet and be friends with kids he might not have if he had been able bodied. I didn't wish for this and our dreams were crushed when it happened but new ones replaced them and I wouldn't change a thing about any of it. Anyway, I'm off to tweet and post on Facebook. Wonderful Job!
THANK YOU! This is so wonderful. My little brother has DS and my little sister has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I can vouch for the fact that they make me a better person. My life would not be complete without them – I take that back – I could not live without them.THANK YOU!!!
Excellent post, Lexi. You have a beautiful family. I shared your story on twitter.
Fabulous post. I read an article in Time or Newsweek a while back talking about how so many women are choosing to abort DS babies and that the world is losing their DS population. It said what a tragedy this is for the world as they bring such a light and joy to those around them. I was really impressed with the article. And I agree with you and I am totally outraged at some of the comments/arguments you've heard. Thank you for sharing!
This is so beautifully written. I am not one who can put my feelings and thoughts into words very well so when I come accross something that says exactly how I feel I love it and I love this. Thank you for sharing so people like me can show others and they can understand how I feel. I love my little TIly and living in the world today I am glad that these people with Down syndrome are here to bring sunshine to this dark place.
And when she is thirty…..she will still be teaching others. Its her gift. The folks who are my son's age went to school with him, worked with him, watched movies with him when he was a teenager. They are better people. So it isnt even just the families who learn. Its the world.
I wish this post was in the pamphlets they give you when you get a prenatal diagnosis. A list of all the excuses why to abort and then the rebuttal why they are selfish, invalid excuses for killing a life that will thrive. Cheers
Best.Post.ever.
i just linked over from another blog i read. wow. and thank you. i have a cousin who was born years after the rest of us, with DS, she has been the light of our family and one of the primary reasons, i believe, we're all still incredibly close as adults. she holds us together.
I agree when you say that a child's life is "not about you". Almost all parents prioritise their children's needs above their own. But this 'disabled children' issue is not all about you, either. Other parent's choices are not always going to be what you believe they should be. Where do you get off telling people that the choices they make are less valid than yours? And yes, I have a disabled child. You need to get past the 'anger' stage and just make the best of what you've chosen for yourself and your children. I hate this sort of blogging. While some of us are railing against the decisions other people make, some of us are just getting on with it and rising above all the holier-than-thou stuff.
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So it's holier-than-thou to point out that parents probably shouldn't terminate their own child's life simply for being less than what they, as a parent, consider perfect? Is that really the argument you're making, Cath Clements? "Railing against" the systematic elimination of babies who are found to have one extra little chromosome is the right thing to do. Pointing out that both the child's life and the family's life will be rich and beautiful and worthwhile in an effort to reduce the number of these lives being snuffed out is the right thing to do. This isn't a discussion of differing discipline methods, or other parenting decisions–this is about parents who are killing their unborn children because they don't think their children's lives are worth living if they have more than the typical number of chromosomes. It is a point worth making, and it is most definitely a fight worth fighting, if just one person can read about our special kids and realize that life doesn't end with the birth of a child who has Down syndrome; that on the contrary, life takes on more meaning, more dimension, more beauty, more wonder and excitement, more love, when a family welcomes one of these children into their lives.
Wow.Wow to Cath Clements for spending energy on slamming what is a beautiful reminder of the rewards of raising a child with DS. 'Almost all parents prioritize their children's needs above their own'…but that tends to start when the child is born. Not when the child is halfway finished in his/her development and the parents decides it's best not to allow them to finish, due to one of many genetic disorders that may not compromise a child's life in a significant way at all. My sister was diagnosed with Spina Bifida in utero at 20 weeks. My parents were terrified, but chose to keep her, and what a waste it would have been had they not made that choice. Sure, she's got some extra hospital trips, but other than that, she's a beautiful hilarious, highly intelligent and active little girl. This post, if it makes parents think twice about reacting in fear and lack of knowledge rather than being patient and trusting, is a blessing to hundreds of people who have visited her blog.But you feel the need to inject some toxic venom into the mix. And wow…again.. to Mamamel. Incredibly and beautifully said.
She is so adorable! "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" was a very moving book on the same subject. It completely opened my eyes. My son has Cerebral Palsy. "I wasn't given these kids because I was strong, patient or even willing. I was given these children to make me strong, patient and willing." Sums it up. I hate it when people tell me that God gave me this child because of how amazing I am. They are trying to be nice . . . I think, but it ticks me off!
I came across this post through FB (ah the jobs of FB) and wanted to applaud you on it. This in particular is so well stated…If you just can't wait to brag to your friends all of the things your child has accomplished instead of whether or not they are happy and fulfilled and doing their best, you need to reassess your values. Again, having a child is not about you.I have 3 children, none of whom suffers from DS or any other "disability". But due to my own circumstances, I am currently studying psychology in my second life and am particularly interested in the emotional development of children. In my mind, the great majority of society needs to reassess its values as raising children should always be about their happiness and not their achievements – DS or no.Best wishes to you.
All of the people I know with Down's Syndrome are the happiest, most bubbly kids! Great article. Yes, it is challenging for the family, but what kid isn't? They are a joy, also.
"Wow to Cath Clements for spending energy on slamming what is a beautiful reminder of the rewards of raising a child with DS".And wow to this judgmental woman for telling people who make alternate choices to her own that they're wrong.My son has Aspergers, and of course I would not have terminated the pregnancy had I known beforehand. And now I'm getting on with the business of raising him. I don't live my life on Facebook or my Mommy blog.I'm not toxic or venomous. I'm just sick of Mommy bloggers and sick of people wanting the world to think they're fantastic for doing what some other people are doing without fanfare or carry-on. The writer asked her friends to post this link on Facebook, one of my friends did and I saw it.And notice that I use my real name when I express my views. Catherine Clements, of Austinmer, NSW, Australia. Email address cabsav2010@hotmail.com. I don't hide behind anonymity. I think I'm braver than most of you. Comes from being the parent of a disabled child.
Oh, I've only just read "mamamel"'s comment. I'll bother to make a response if "mamamel" wants to step out from the veil of anonymity. I will say, though, that nobody has the right to tell other people how to live their lives. Moralising and delivering sermons to people achieves nothing. At the end of the day, it's not about what other people do. It's about what you do, and it's about whatever relationship you have with whatever God you believe in.
You know, Cath, I wasn't going to respond to you. I wasn't going to take the time and energy out of my busy and exhausting day to write to someone who just doesn't get it. But you keep coming back. So here goes.First, re-read the things you have said. You contradict yourself over and over again. "You need to get over this anger…" followed up with "I HATE…". You say you’re not toxic or angry, and then rail on someone from being anonymous, but then you keep coming back to my blog saying hateful, angry things from the comfort of your computer. Sure you give your first and last name- but your half a world away. How does that make you any more of a real person than someone who uses a screen name (which, by the way, if you click on, you can find out everything about her…)? It’s CLEAR to me that you are an angry person. You left your name and email HOPING that someone would email you because you want to fight. You keep coming back here because you want to fight. I don’t understand that mentality."While some of us are railing against the decisions other people make, some of us are just getting on with it and rising above all the holier-than-thou stuff.." That statement by itself is SO “holier than thou” It’s like someone telling you that they are humble or classy. What part of "rising above" means coming to someone's personal blog and condemning them for a cause they feel passionately about just because YOU feel differently? How are you not being "holier than thou" in the things that you have said? Saying that you are braver than me? Than the other women here? How do you figure that? How would you even know that? You don’t know me. You don’t know the women that read this blog or what they face on a day to basis. “I'm just sick of Mommy bloggers and sick of people wanting the world to think they're fantastic for doing what some other people are doing without fanfare or carry-on.” I’m not asking for fanfare. I’m hoping for some understanding. I’m hoping that my blog will see that WE, the parents of children with special needs, are the lucky ones. That these kids have a purpose and deserve the right to life. Then you say that you're just getting down to the business of raising your son and that you don't spend your life on Facebook or a Mommy Blog. But here you are, AGAIN. On someone’s blog you don’t know, picking fights. How is that GETTING ON with the business of raising your son. "moralizing and delivering sermons to people achieves nothing." I think you're wrong. And so do the fifty or so others who have commented on this post along with the hundred or so others who have written me personal letters. It's been shared 2,500 times on facebook. To me, that's not nothing. If I can show just one woman that they're life could be great, if not better, because of that one little chromosome, then it's been worth it. I'm not going to stop doing this because one person out of the thousands that have read this thinks differently from me. You have your point of views. I have mine. If it's not about what other people do, then tell me why are you here? Why does it matter so much to tear me down for something that I believe in? If it’s not about what *I* do, why are you even here, telling *me* that I'm wrong?I’m sorry that having a child with special needs hasn’t been the kind of experience for you that would lend itself to having compassion for parents who feel it important to tell other parents that it can be great. That you can be a better person because of your kids. That life can be better than you had ever planned. If you hate it, hate me, fine. But I’m doing something that I feel important. I feel it’s a small part of the reason GOD gave me these kids. To show others that it’s so tough, but equally great.
Well said Lexi! I feel that not everyone thinks it's easy to have special needs kids and I think that Lexi provides a place for others to go and feel that it's ok to have feelings, but to stop and look at the wonderful blessing God has given them and to enjoy what they're given.Cath, enjoy what you have, life is too short to try and battle on a blog post. I wish you happiness and joy in Austrailia, but if you keep picking on my friend Lexi, I hope a kangaroo punches you in the baby maker. (That's a joke. Partially)
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Cath Clements, click on my username. I'm pretty sure my profile has my name and even what city I live in. Not exactly a "veil of anonymity"–just my cutesy "mommy blogger" username. I'm guessing that's probably really annoying to you.Maybe your way of dealing with your son's disability is to NOT blog about it, but maybe others do find it helpful to blog about it. Maybe blogging helps some people to hash things out and cope with their various struggles, or to delight in the successes and joy they experience. Or perhaps they have family and friends who live far away, and blogging about their lives helps them to feel more connected in spite of the distance. Maybe *you* don't see the value in blogging, but that doesn't mean there *is* no value in it. It's even quite possible that this sort of blog is very helpful to others who are dealing with similar challenges, to read that they're not alone in their struggles. And quite possibly, this particular blog post was helpful in educating a few people about the beauty that is raising a child with Down syndrome (I think there's a good reason it was shared over 2000 times on FB. Its message is powerful, and it resonates with people–whether they have a child w/ special needs or not). When I was expecting my little boy (who has DS), I was terrified of all the unknowns. I had no idea what having a child with DS would be like–all I had were vague notions and negative stereotypes bumping around in my head. Reading a post like this would've been so comforting to me as I faced something I didn't understand. It would've helped me to see that not only would life go on after the birth of my son, but it could be amazing. I believe you also misinterpreted one of the crucial points here. Nothing about this blog or this post demonstrates a desire to show the world that this mommy blogger is fantastic. Instead, it vividly demonstrates that even people who are impatient and flawed can not only handle parenting a child (or children) with special needs, but can love doing it. I find that to be encouraging, not to mention very worthwhile an objective.It's interesting that you chasten others for "living [their] li[ves] on Facebook or [their] mommy blog." Do you have a log that keeps track of how many hours are spent on those pursuits? No? Then I'd say you don't know how much time another person spends on either of those things. Writing a blog post every few days leaves quite a lot of time for "getting on with" life.One last point: If you don't like mommy bloggers, and you don't want to read their "moralizing," there's a pretty simple, straightforward solution.
Whoa–forget all the schmamby-pamby stuff I wrote. Lexi covered all the bases. Time to move along, Cath Clements. Let us enjoy all the good that we've found here.
Lexi, not only is this post amazing, your response to negativity is amazing. I am one of the many, many people that shared your post on Facebook. I have several other friends who have children with DS and each of those children are lovely human beings. Like you, I feel passionate about this issue and even wrote a blog post back in May about the incidence rate of abortion due to DS. I also hope to have a guest contributor/pregnancy expert talk about this subject again for an upcoming post. It's important to talk about and I thank you for sharing your family and your passion with us, your readers. Keep up the good work! I'm so happy and proud to consider you one of my mommy blogger friends.-Angela (aka Caffeinated Autism Mom)http://caffeinatedautismmom.blogspot.com
Don't worry, I won't be back to pollute your commentary page again
. To answer your question, "Why were you here?", I came here because I wanted to say something about the importance of accepting other people's choices and accepting that nobody makes the choice to terminate a pregnancy lightly. The tone of your blog post was angry (and in fact it was called an "Angry, Angry Rant" or something similar), and I got angry in response to it. When you put emotive pieces of writing out in cyberspace and ask your friends to bring them to other people's attention, you're going to find that some people take issue with what you've said. I am not an angry person by nature, and anybody who knows me can attest to that. Not many things make me angry, but one thing that does is this increasing tendency I see for people to be intolerant of other people's choices. Having my son has been, and continues to be, a wonderful experience. It hasn't just made me a more compassionate person; it's made me a more tolerant person.Moving along now, "mamamel". 
Sorry, I just came back to say that I have just corrected myself about the title of your post. It wasn't called "Angry, Angry Rant"; it was called "My Angry Down Syndrome Awareness Post". I'm sorry I misrepresented the title earlier.I accept that there was no real need for me to come here, but I'm going to try harder to explain why I did. Initially, YOU came to ME. A link to your post was posted on my Facebook page by a friend. For the record, I'm a right-to-lifer. I have a second son who was born with medical issues that I was initially told would be incompatible with life. I chose not to terminate, and he is now nearly 3 and perfectly well. I have four children altogether (the eldest is the one with Aspergers), and I would not be without any of them. What my experiences have left me with is an understanding of human nature, and tolerance of difference and freedom of choice. On any given day that I look at my Facebook page, there are uninvited links posted by "lactivists" telling women that if they don't breastfeed they're second class mothers, "intactivists" telling other mothers that they've mutilated their infant sons, right-to-lifers telling people who have had abortions that they're wrong… it goes on and on, and I get riled by the intolerance and self-righteousness. This is the part of your post that made me angry (and no, I'm not angry anymore): "I'm not here to talk about the right to life, the legality. Currently, women in our country have the freedom to choose whether or not they want to terminate their pregnancies up to a certain, albeit very late, point in their pregnancy. Since Roe v. Wade, no Pro-life president, congress, etc has been able stop this from happening. I'm not going to try to convince anyone about the legality of abortion either way. For now it's a choice. I want to talk about that choice. Aborting a child because he or she has Down syndrome is the WRONG CHOICE. Believe me, I've heard every argument under the sun as to why it should be "okay" for women to make this choice. Why, even, we should mourn with them over the "loss" of their child. They did not lose their child. They chose." This was what got up my nose, and it got up the noses of several other people who read your post after my friend posted a link to it on her Facebook page. Nobody took issue with anything else you wrote. It was that passage – the notion that parents who have chosen to terminate have not suffered loss and do not deserve compassion – that caused the ructions on my friend's Facebook page. At least one person who made the very difficult decision to end the life of her child was very hurt by that assertion.My anger, which was temporary, arose from the hurt that some of my friends felt when they read the passage I quoted above. Your anger, on the occasions that you feel angry, arises I suspect from the lack of tolerance and understanding that other people have of "disability" (and I put that word in italics because I prefer to think of disabled people as "differently abled" rather than "disabled"). We're not that far apart. I think we both abhor intolerance, and that's a good thing.I'll never agree with the passage I quoted above, but I'm not angry anymore. I wish you well as you travel this road, and of course I wish your children well also. These winding, rocky mountain roads are the hardest roads to walk, but the scenery is second to none.
Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. And precious. Thank you for this post. You just wrote some of the words that I could have written myself. I also have 2 special needs children, one with CP (thankfully mild) and the other with a severe speech disorder and sensory issues. I shared your blog post on my own blog. Thank you again. This is one of the best posts I've read. Ever.Sincerely, Samantha http://www.thestewreport.blogspot.com
Cath, I don't know if you'll be back on here to see this, but I wanted to tell you thank you for your more reasoned explanation for what "stuck in your craw," so to speak. I understand feeling irritated with the endless "causes" people post about on FB. People often feel very strongly about these causes and want to raise awareness, and FB is a pretty effective way to reach a lot of people. I find it helpful to have my settings on "status updates" only so I don't have to see all of that. Or, I hide the people who consistently post things I find offensive or annoying.That being said, I feel like I need to re-state that the point of this post WASN'T to rebuke people who've had abortions–it was to demonstrate that abortion in the case of a Down syndrome diagnosis isn't the correct choice, considering what we as parents have learned about our awesome kids who have it. It was to show that life WITH and FOR these kids is good and rewarding and worthwhile, and open people's eyes to some of the rewards, to maybe help as many people as possible see that Down syndrome isn't bad and ugly and undesirable–it's just DIFFERENT. And different is just fine, once you settle into it and open your eyes to the possibilities.The truth remains that over 90% of women worldwide who receive a prenatal diagnosis of DS will choose to terminate. If they were better informed of what DS REALLY is, instead of hearing all the skewed numbers and misinformation and grim outlook many doctors admit to giving their patients, I think that number would be greatly reduced. Maybe reading this one blog post will have helped any number of women to realize that a DS diagnosis is NOT a fate worse than death. Please tell me you can see the value in educating people about this, considering the alarming rate at which these precious children are killed by parents who think they'd be better off without them.
Amen, mamamel!
GREAT post!! LOVE it.
Thank you SO much for writing this. These are the same exact thoughts and feelings I have. I have a son with down syndrome and a son with autism and I would never ever EVER trade them for anything in the world. They have taught us so much and amaze us everyday with everything they do. I dare anyone on Earth to be around our boys for an hour and tell me they don't have wonderful lives. And you are very right, if you reach even one person out there and open their eyes to the reality of life with down syndrome, it's all worth it.
SO BEAUTIFULLY AND PASSIONATELY PUT. Thank you so much for bringing light to this subject with logic and truth! Amen sister! We prayed fervently for our first four children, that they would be born "healthy". When I was five months pregnant with our fifth child, John, who has Down Syndrome, I realized all at once, we hadn't prayed for that, and that was okay! And it really is better than okay!!!!
Loved it! Thank you so much!
This post rocked my world.First. The hospital pics? Insanely cute. Some of my favorite pictures of my son are from his hospital stays.He doesn't have Down Syndrome. But he was born with a birth defect. It wasn't found on Ultrasound. But if it had been detected, we'd have been encouraged to terminate. I know I wouldn't have. But I know plenty of parents who did. And it breaks my heart.
You know I never had a sister and I always wanted one…SO I'm going to kidnap you and feed you cupcakes. This is how I feel to a T. My cousin (down syndrome) was treated like a freak of nature. I hated it. I begged my parents to take her home with us but you know..with her having parents and all it didn't work out. Not that my family was better.in fact in many ways they were worse. But we were just two unloved beings that loved each other. We wrote to each other all the time. I miss her.
I have a dual diagnosed child (Down Syndrome/autism), and I believe in the right for parents to choose.It's not up to you to decide what their reasoning should or shouldn't be. I think you should get down off your soap box, and mind your own business.
Why isn't it the **correct** choice, specifically?who gets to choose what is and isn't "correct" for another person. You come across as extremely judgemental and self righteous, do you realise? I think rather than criticizing strangers, you'd do better working on yourself for a while, quite honestly.
How brave of you to say how you really feel, Anonymous…. I mean, it's hard to put your name out there and go against the grain, you know? Oh. ….. Wait…..
I can't stop reading your blog, even though I need to because I'm at work (back to work, after this, I promise), but ohmygoodness, I love it. I love your honesty, I love your message, I think I love your family and I only just found met them through this blog 15 minutes ago. AH.
I'm not "the choir". (Not exactly, anyway, I have one child with Autism, my other child is possibly on the Spectrum.) When I was pregnant with both we did the normal ultrasound screening/bloods (I don't think it's the same blood test you were referring to because they said that if the screens came back inconclusive, I could have the amniotic test – I never had it done. I hate needles at the best of times, pregnancy for me is the worst of times. My body despises pregnancy and tells me so for the *entire* duration of it. I still want more kids though **lol**)Anyway, since having had my son diagnosed and been introduced to NeuroDiversity, I've also read up on Eugenics and Special Needs kids (most of the literature refers to Downs Syndrome, I guess because of the stats: 90%?? That's *so* high). What that woman said is just horrific, and it is reminiscent of the Nazis. We live in a very Spartan society.Your daughter is just gorgeous!! Thank you for writing this post, I think it's important people get a chance to read something like this. Kudos.And to "anonymous" above me…. **snort** What JackiePedersen said.
Terminating a pregnancy due to down syndrome diagnosis might be the wrong choice for you, but it could absolutely be the right choice for someone else. It could also end up being the most selfLESS and responsible and loving decision they could make in the context of their situation. It's not your place to tell anyone that such a personal decision is the wrong choice for them, anymore than it was that miserable womans place to judge the mum in your grocery store story.Life can suck if you have a child with down syndrome, that's just the reality of the situation.Just as it's the reality of the situation that life can suck if you have what society deems to be a perfectly "normal" child.What it all comes down to is that you really have no clue what effect the decision to bring a child into the world will have on someone else's life, because it's just that – someone else's life. Someone else's emotional capacity, someone else's environment, someone else's temperament, someone else's patience level, etc.I think perpetuating the 'you'll adapt when they get here' myth is extremely harmful. That's just not the way it works for everyone. Every child is different and everyone experiences motherhood in a different way. This diversity in experiences is why we need to learn to respect each others choices instead of judging. If someone doesn't want to raise a child with down syndrome, then they should be able to make the decision not to. If someone doesn't believe that life begins at conception, then you should respect that and acknowledge that to them – making the decision to abort has nothing to do with terminating a life.You're more than entitled to believe that G-d stepped in and directed sperm to yours and every Maury Povich guests eggs because it was ~meant to be~, but some people view the process of procreation very differently.
I used to work with abused and neglected children, and it's amazing how resilient they can be. Babies and special needs kids especially, can go through the unimaginable and still find it within themselves to throw out smiles that can light up a room. Cute smiley happy baby pictures shouldn't be used as justification for "choosing life" or making certain parenting choices. Those cute smiley babies still experience real pain and often grow up to be very screwed up broken adults as the result of no one thinking about what their quality of life would be like once they're here. Children should not be used as little emotional test drive dummies.
A-MEN.
I didn’t find this blog til today, because of another blog a friend shared (“the funniest IEP ever”) and surfed your site a little bit. Before I ever got to the end with your request, I knew I wanted to share it. Beautifully written. And again: A-MEN.
You’re absolutely right when you say “it’s someone else’s life” — only that someone else IS that child. They should have a right to decide if they want to live or not — but they need the chance to be born and grow enough to decide that for themselves.
As for it not being her place? IT’S HER BLOG. This is not a news website or a university blog or anything else. You have the right to disagree, she’s even welcomed disagreeing comments on her blog, but IT’S HER BLOG, SHE CAN SAY WHAT SHE THINKS ON IT.
As for having a different view on the process of procreation? We now have the medical technology to keep a child alive that is born SOONER than 22 weeks gestation. Considering that we have the same DNA our entire lives at the moment of conception, I think science has proven that life DOES BEGIN AT CONCEPTION. You just don’t choose to believe it’s life because it’s dependent on another, completely and totally….but so is a 1 month old, 2 month old, 3 month old…….saying that an unborn child isn’t a child has allowed to become a completely arbitrary decision. Personally (and I think politicians realize the stickiness of this too), I don’t see how it is moral — in any belief system — for one individual born at 22 weeks gestation to be called a “premie” and another tobe called a “fetus” based on whether or not that woman wants the baby. How would you feel if your right to life depended solely on whether or not you were wanted by another person? There’s a number of divorced people in the country who would be dead, by that standard.
As for women’s rights, how’s this for you: a picture of a woman that went viral for her late-abortion stated that the reason she aborted her twin girls was because SHE DIDN’T WANT ANY MORE GIRLS. Not because she didn’t want more children at all — just these “fetuses” were the wrong gender. What about the rights of those two young women?
And, as for saying that not all people “will be able to handle it”, I’m in agreement with the author: if you don’t want the child, there are others who do. Specifically. I think women choose abortion over giving their babies up for adoption because they know they’ll become attached if they see the baby’s face. It forces them to realize it’s a baby. Believing that abortion isn’t killing a child is a lie. It IS a child. DNA doesn’t suddenly happen when the child is born. IT HAPPENS AT CONCEPTION. There are times, sadly, when there are chromosomal anomalies and other situations when a child’s DNA is not compatible at life. But I still don’t think that means that life should be snuffed out. I have a friend whose child was diagnosed with acrania, and she carried the baby to term. Why? Because the child could live safely and happily as long as she was in the womb — if your child was diagnosed with Tay Sachs or something else that was definitely terminal, would you say, “oh, well, kill her now” or would you try to make her life as long and happy as possible? You can do that for a child in the womb too. The truth is that if you have an abortion “because I couldn’t handle it” isn’t for the benefit of the child — it’s for yours only, as evident in the stated reason itself, the exclusive pronoun being “I.” Then saying “choosing to abort has nothing to do with terminating a life” is just to justify it to yourself — to believe a lie, when science says otherwise.
Again, she has the right to say what she believes ON HER OWN BLOG, and if you or someone you know truly knows they could not handle raising a special needs child, the selfless thing to do is the carry the child to term and give the child to a loving family who can. Not to spare them being born.
Thank you I have three sons only the middle son has ADHD and has given us some problems but gave to say he made is grow
My oldest son has found drugs and is causing us some issues but after reading your article I feel proud of my sons and I am happy for who they are and u have made me see that yes they were given to me to help me be a better stronger person and I am lucky to have them
Life is hard as a parent not knowing what your doing but it is also a joy
Thank you for writing and I will be sharing your article as I believe all parents and parents to be should read this your children are very lucky to have such a wonderful mom I sure hope u have a great Mother’s Day
Thank you